I've noticed something about myself recently: I have a hard time sitting still.
It's not just that I can't physically be still, although I do tend to shake my legs or tap my fingers when stationary. It's that I have a hard time not doing something.
This weekend was a busy one, but there was an hour or so when O was napping and there was a break in the to-do list. It's not that there weren't more things on the list - there were many. But I sat down for a moment on our couch and thought, My God, this feels amazing. I just want to do this.
This: just simply sitting down. Doing nothing.
I never do that.
I have memories of my mom always doing something. In all of my 33 years I cannot think of one single time when she wasn't actively engaged in a project or task or, something. Even when we were spending time together, be it watching movies or playing games, she was multi-tasking. She was always doing something else, too.
My mom says this thing that has started to make me think. She says "Classic Glo" whenever I talk to her about my schedule. She means that I always have a million things going on, I guess. It's true. I always have a lot of things going on. Part of this is an occupational hazard. My job is not just a nine-to-five desk job, though it does involve that. It also happens during the evenings and on weekends, and if I let it, it would completely overtake my life.
So, yes. Often when my mom comes to visit and I run through our itinerary it almost always involves many, many different things and events and errands and what not. Classic me.
I'm starting to worry that my own kid is going to grow up feeling like I was too busy for him. I'm not, of course, but do I show it? Seeing that he's only almost one, I feel like we do have some time to work on this. But have I already done the damage? Is the damage lasting? All evidence points to "Not-at-all-you-are-being-totally-crazy," but still. A mother worries.
When my son is happily playing and exploring all over the house without me right there with him, is he secretly mad at me, or sad, or thinking about what he will tell his therapist in twenty years?
He's pretty good about expressing his displeasure, to be honest. I may not know what he's thinking or feeling or trying to tell me all the time, but I am 100% certain when he's pissed at me for something.
And so far, that "something" isn't being busy... yet.
It's all about balance, isn't it? We hear that all the time. Balance! Find balance. Balance is important. Work/life balance. Balance in eagle pose. For something people talk about all the time, balance sure is an elusive little bugger. And yet I do find it, sometimes frequently and sometimes not at all.
Here's the thing, though. There's something to be said for recognizing the ebb and flow of seasons. For me, busyness most often comes in waves. It's "go-go-go" for a time, but then it's "go-go-go a little bit slower," or "go-go-go super fast," and sometimes "don't-go-just-be." When I lose sight of the waves, of the cycles, of the seasons, that's when I lose my balance. There's something to be said for keeping one eye on the horizon and resting in the knowledge that this, too, shall pass.
Because it will. I will force it to pass. I will consciously choose to let go of what doesn't fill me and to be most busy with the things that do. I will keep recognizing the seasons and the cycles. I will allow some things to be left undone in order to be present with other things, other people.
Those are some good things to remember as we find ourselves in the middle of another holiday season. May your celebrations be blessed, may your cup (and your belly) be filled, may your family & friends be loved by you and you by them, and may you recognize the infinite in the finite moments of your days.