Only 4 weeks have gone by already. Time has never stood so still so fast.
Are those strange sentences? Perhaps.
But maybe you understand. The days run seamlessly together, simultaneously suspending the passing of time and accelerating it beyond light speed. It's only been 4 weeks, but's been 4 weeks already!
I've been hesitant to write about our experience so far... for a few reasons. One, I'm exhausted. You know? I barely have the time. Two, I'm afraid of being judged. Because it happens. Parents are super judge-y. People are super judge-y. At least, they can be. And our experience is probably one that a lot of people would judge, because I have seen similar experiences vilified all over the place.
But I know that I am not the only mom out there who has gone through what I've gone through, felt what I've felt, struggled with what has happened, and so on. The thing is, very few moms are vocal about it because, well, life is mother-f&*^%$@# hard enough without other people judging you for your choices/circumstances. Why risk judgment from others when we're already judging ourselves way too much?
My BRP ("baby-raising-parter" - Thanks Dude, You're a Dad!) said that in my "free time" I should write about what this has all been like/is like. Side note - it's super cute that he thinks I have free time. Even now, I'm typing with the Tiny Human nestled in my chest in his baby carrier. He was napping, but he just started crying. So, you know. I'm also sitting on an exercise ball and bouncing, because that worked a little bit ago. Gotta hit pause on attempt #1 at this blog post...
Fast forward 18 hours. Attempt #2. (During those 18 hours my dear BRP and I had our first night out as grown-ups without our kid. Whoa. We were at a charity event and had some delicious food, but spent most of our time looking at pictures of the kid on our phones. Such is life.
Anyway, this experience. Becoming a parent is hard for everyone. At least, I think it is. Some people may have easy-breezy birth stories. Some people may have a baby that never cries. Some people may have a baby that breastfeeds like a champ. Some people may have a baby that digests dairy like a pro. Some people may have a baby that thinks nap time/bedtime/sleep is the best. thing. ever. Chances are no one has all of those things wrapped up in one baby, so something is bound to be super-duper difficult.
Parenting is messy. We're messy. Babies are messy (and not in the very real, very liquid/brown sense). Little by little I am going to share my messiness with you. If you're messy, too, I hope you find some comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone. I know that I have found immeasurable comfort and support from wonderful people in my life who have told me, "Me too," and offered a hug.
But be warned: this is a non-judgy zone. Judge-y? Judgey? You get the drift. Even if I tell you that to put our Nugget to sleep we play him Rob Zombie and scream obscenities at the top of our lungs - to which the kid falls asleep and is happy as a clam - you cannot say boo. (Disclaimer: we do not do those things. But even if we did, the kid is safe and healthy and happy and screw you.) It's a risk to be honest about my struggles, and it's a privilege that you are being trusted enough to hear them. Don't blow it.
Anyway, coming soon... Messy Parenting Part One: Hating Pregnancy and Wanting to Be Done With It and Making One Decision That Led to an Avalanche.
Final side note - how cute is our kid??? (Very. Very cute.)